The Green Monster

ENVY. 

I've found myself trapped in the vines of envy. I want something I can not have and it eats away at me. I've shut down, turned into a zombie; I'm no longer me but instead I am emotionless. 

It seems impossible for me to let go, I am weak. I've turned desperate, I'm letting my heart be pulled apart and the only way to stop it, is for me to let go.
Why do we fight ourselves? Why is it decisions must be hard rather than easy?
My heart and body is trying to let go, move on; before I make myself sick. But my mind brakes down every little thing, makes reasons for the bad memories and stretches out the good memories.
Why do I let my enteral feelings be the enemy and my mind the hero? 

I see my problem but I can't face it; playing into my post yesterday, I fear what will happen. 

I am envious of another and I don't even know her. I envy the feelings someone I've grown close to shares for her. I feel as if I am never enough that I am never someone's first choice. I envy those who fall in love, as love is one of my biggest fears. 

I will try to be strong. 

No matter what, I will try. 

-HMM 

Fear.

Welcome October. 

I was thinking why don't I start the month off with a word? Something that plays with my emotions, a word that really hits a soft spot...Fear. 

What is fear? Why do we fear? What is my biggest fear? What is your biggest fear? 

I'm not talking about heights, spiders or needles, but instead about the fears that play into our emotions. 

Fear of living, fear of falling in love, fear of whats to come, fear of being alone...so many things that fear plays into. 

I fear my own thoughts, my own emotions and all the unknowns of life, but my biggest fear...is I fear myself. 

We face life with nothing set in stone, nothing is a sure thing. Promises can be broken at any moment and life can be so easily taken away. We can't live every second of our life in fear. You never know what is going to happen, who your going to meet or where your going to be; and fear with only hold you back. 

Fear of death...I hate dealing with death, but it seems the Grim Reaper is always around. Recently I lost two friends a couple named Jade and Matt, she was my best friend when I was younger and he and I became close friends when I was a bit older but I always knew them as a couple. They died together still in love, after being together since middle school and having children. It's been hard to deal with, but I've dealt with death many times before. I've lost a lot of friends to suicide, which is impossible to get over.  I've been partying a little too hard, trying to push the memories of Jade and Matt into the back of my mind. I'm losing myself, my self esteem and strength have gone out the door, I am left as a emotional, weak disaster.

My relationship has become a rocky slope. I try to focus on school but it's a lost cause, I can't seem to pull myself back together. I don't know where I went... or who I am right now. I feel sick, I am scared and I fear what is going to happen to me if I continue on like this. I've struggled with depression since  I was 12, I would deal with it and sometimes it would be bad and other times it would disappear,  but now I've fallen deeper and deeper into it.

 I fear being alone, I hate it but I deal with it... I hate struggling to just start the day. One thing that does help is using this blog as an outlet, I know someone out there feels the same way as me. Others may think of blogging as silly or think of me as begging for attention, but really I feel brave because I   am able to say whats on my mind and not care about others judgement. 

Well here's to a new month. 

-HMM 

Busy Bee!

Working on a film shoot all day and all tomorrow! 

New post will be up by Monday! 

-HMM

Becoming Your Worst Enemy

Most women fear of becoming like their Mother, I've never lived with this fear as I actually would love to be more like my Mother. My fear instead is becoming a friend I had in my younger years. Recently I had a real "Oh SHIT!" moment while blow drying my hair. I realized I had done something that she would have done. That scared me more than the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural...and that episode still haunts me.

Let's call her June. She was my best friend in Jr.High, we were like sisters. June was popular around the boys, because not only was pretty, she was also a flirt. The girl with 100 boyfriends and I was the friend who never had a boyfriend. When I was younger boys use to pick on me, I was called names...fat-ugly-bitch-gross. (The bitch title is one I still carry around to this day) June never called me names, but she also never stood up for me. Actually, I've never had someone stand up for me and I didn't get my first boyfriend till I was 20, funny how the world works.

June and I would go to the movies, boys would rush to be with her, and I got their friends who gave me one look over and then seemed like they needed a barf bag. As time went one, I still let her walk all over me, boss me around and tell how to live my life. The one person I needed to stand up to was her...like that would ever happen.

June met..let's name him "James", they become a serious couple over night. They did everything together and I was the third wheel. They would share a kiss at almost every red light, she would sit in his lap at parties, call each other nicknames and I would always be along for the ride. James and I became friends and yet he would always throw me to his buddies; of course they all ran away like cooties were a real thing and I was infected with them. I hated being single, I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I wanted a guy who would take me out, kiss me on the cheek, treat me like a princess and be my best friend. But I watched June get everything and of course I was bursting with jealousy.

I knew June deep down only liked me as a friend because she knew guys thought I was ugly and that left her with all of the attention. She cried once, because one of James friends invited his girlfriend to a party. June was so jealous of her and we had to leave the party early. June cried in the car, on my shoulder, sobbing "I wasn't the prettiest girl there." I set there thinking that I would never fit into that category.

Time went on...I started to care more about what I looked like, I lost weight and dyed/styled my hair. Then it happen, at a Halloween party I went to with June and James. All of James buddies wanted to know who I was, was I single, telling him I was hot and I became the center of attention. June never treated me the same after that, our friendship started to fall to ruins. Then it faded, for more reasons than one. June and James ended, and I started hang out with James because we still remained friends after all the drama. James and June started going on and off with one anther and years passed as I made new friends.It turned out, James was actually in love with me and had been for long time. I of course did not feel that way about him...that scared me.

 To think that I could be turning into her, as I see so many traits of June in some of the things I say and do in my relationship. Am I June? I don't share the same insecurities she felt about herself, but instead I'm scared that I am going to relate every relationship to James and June. How James stayed with her and couldn't stand being without her, but the whole time he had feelings for me. I fear that I will become like June...out of the insanity of thinking I am like her. 

My problem is I am insecure about relationships, from my past of being mistreated by guys and now that the game has changed and boy's no longer bully me but instead they treat me nice for one thing and we all know what that ONE thing is. 

-HMM

Time To Let Go...

There comes a point in everyones life where we need to let something go. Maybe a feeling such as jealousy or hatred; maybe a friendship gone sour, a bad habit or just that old Pantera T-shirt you can't let go because it belong to your 1st boyfriend. We keep things around for reminders of both good and bad memories. So how do we know when it is time to let go of something? 

When I was little I use to carry around this stuffed Humpty Dumpty, he was my best friend. Sure he wore down in the end, my Mother use to sew him up and hand him back to me with care. Then one day I stopped carrying him around everywhere I went. I can't remember why as I was so young. 

Then as I got older I started crushing on boys, I would doodle his name, pretend he had a secret crush on me too...then I would move on to a new crush with each new school year. 

It's just the fazes, trends, emotions and habits we all fall as victims into, we change or worst we fall deeper into them. Like when your young and you watch cartoons every morning, then suddenly you start watching live action teen dramas/comedies...continue on and on intill we have to catch the new episode of Dexter every Sunday night...I guess that's all part of growing up. Hey don't get me wrong, I still love cartoons! No one can ever stop me from watching Jem and the Holograms or Disney Princesses. Just how do we know when it is time to grow up...move on? 

As one grows older we become stuck in our ways, it's hard to let go. I've had friendships fall apart because we grew up and changed, once we found out that we didn't have anything in common with the persons we matured into, it crumbled then faded. It's hard to think about the changes we go through, but thats life. Knowing that something or someone is holding you back from being true to yourself isn't worth the time or pain, in the words of Jim Morrison- “A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he/she really is.”

I already feel the changes happening, the past two days I've felt more like me. I've been happy, all smiles no tears. Now that my view has grown clear and more genuine, I see what I really want and how I want to be treated. I am so ready to start my journey, but before I can rush to the starting line I have to let go of certain things. It might be tough, but in the end I will find myself and that's all that really matters. 

I end todays post with a quote from the iconic Marilyn Monroe,
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 

Have a beautiful day. 

-HMM

Easy From Now On

During my flight from Texas to LA, I set there at my window seat and watched as the plane took off. How from one moment I was on the ground and within what seemed like seconds I was in the sky. Clouds floating so close to me, I couldn't help up wonder if heaven was close by. It seemed peaceful, but why plan your life around being in the sky, why do we concern our lives around where we go when it's over, when we have a entire lifetime ahead of us? 

Life, how does one get the most out of it? Living is about finding, searching, everything we do in our life revoles around ourselves; even if you spend your lifetime helping others, your doing it for one reason, to find yourself. As each day passes, even if it's little changes or just another dull day; we are always working toward one goal, to find out who we really are. 

I use to be the type who wanted marriage, children...I planned and planned out my life. That's not how it goes, as awful as it sounds, we can't always get what we want. If we did, then we wouldn't be living for something. Life is like a map without the "X" to mark the spot, just a journey without a stopping point in till you reach your dead-end. 

I can not continue living off a to-do list. I hate being jealous, I hate judging others, I hate wanting friends only to rid my own loneliness. I want to try something new, I want to find who I am. No more wasting tears over others judgement, it's not worth it. I am going to focus on myself, find what truly makes me happy. No more planning for the future, I want it to remain a surprise. I will open my eyes, mind and heart to except all emotions... love, hate, pain, happiness, hope, regret and beauty. I will take chances, even if I end up falling and above all...I want to spend every moment of my life discovering what makes me, me.

-HMM

What's New Pussycat?

It's been awhile but no worries, I'm still here; six months in LA now, crazy how time files. 

So what's new with me...

To be honest, I haven't changed, seems as if I am trying to find myself more than ever now. The first quarter at school went well, I made friends, learned new things and I thought every quarter could only get better. This last quarter seemed as if it would never end. I was dragging by the end, I had an attitude; I caught a bad spell of bitchiness. Went back Texas for a week, told myself "this was time to relax and come back refresh, with a attitude adjustment." That didn't work out as planned, I don't get it, why am I waking up on my bad side of the bed every morning? 

In the movie "No business like show business" Marilyn sings "After you get what you want you don't want it", a song about wanting, dreaming...but once you get everything you want you don't want it any more. I think everyone once in their life takes something or someone for granted, sometimes I feel as if I do it to often. I am selfish, I know that, but to what extent? Am I a perfect match to "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon or is this feeling normal? 

Within the six months of living away from home, I have tried to change myself continuously. Maybe that is where my mood spell came from. I just don't know who I want to be, yes of course I want to be me...but who is that? I'm so wrapped up in different roles and acts, that I trying to make me instead of be me. I had a teacher this quarter tell me I was playing a role and it fit me, but I shouldn't become it. That scared me, still does as I think about it. Are we all playing roles or is that only the few who either can't find themselves or hate the "real" person they are. I remember Lady Gaga on the stage of the VMA's dressed as a man, she spoke about herself saying- "I'm not real, I am theater." Gaga is an act, just like Marilyn Monroe, they never let their true sides show and that's what makes them so interesting. They have so many sides, layers; keeping their real selfs in the shadows, backstage. 

"All the worlds a stage"-William Shakespeare; we are all performers, whether we like it or not. 

I'll say in touch this time around, I promise.

XOX,

HMM