The Green Monster

ENVY. 

I've found myself trapped in the vines of envy. I want something I can not have and it eats away at me. I've shut down, turned into a zombie; I'm no longer me but instead I am emotionless. 

It seems impossible for me to let go, I am weak. I've turned desperate, I'm letting my heart be pulled apart and the only way to stop it, is for me to let go.
Why do we fight ourselves? Why is it decisions must be hard rather than easy?
My heart and body is trying to let go, move on; before I make myself sick. But my mind brakes down every little thing, makes reasons for the bad memories and stretches out the good memories.
Why do I let my enteral feelings be the enemy and my mind the hero? 

I see my problem but I can't face it; playing into my post yesterday, I fear what will happen. 

I am envious of another and I don't even know her. I envy the feelings someone I've grown close to shares for her. I feel as if I am never enough that I am never someone's first choice. I envy those who fall in love, as love is one of my biggest fears. 

I will try to be strong. 

No matter what, I will try. 

-HMM 

Fear.

Welcome October. 

I was thinking why don't I start the month off with a word? Something that plays with my emotions, a word that really hits a soft spot...Fear. 

What is fear? Why do we fear? What is my biggest fear? What is your biggest fear? 

I'm not talking about heights, spiders or needles, but instead about the fears that play into our emotions. 

Fear of living, fear of falling in love, fear of whats to come, fear of being alone...so many things that fear plays into. 

I fear my own thoughts, my own emotions and all the unknowns of life, but my biggest fear...is I fear myself. 

We face life with nothing set in stone, nothing is a sure thing. Promises can be broken at any moment and life can be so easily taken away. We can't live every second of our life in fear. You never know what is going to happen, who your going to meet or where your going to be; and fear with only hold you back. 

Fear of death...I hate dealing with death, but it seems the Grim Reaper is always around. Recently I lost two friends a couple named Jade and Matt, she was my best friend when I was younger and he and I became close friends when I was a bit older but I always knew them as a couple. They died together still in love, after being together since middle school and having children. It's been hard to deal with, but I've dealt with death many times before. I've lost a lot of friends to suicide, which is impossible to get over.  I've been partying a little too hard, trying to push the memories of Jade and Matt into the back of my mind. I'm losing myself, my self esteem and strength have gone out the door, I am left as a emotional, weak disaster.

My relationship has become a rocky slope. I try to focus on school but it's a lost cause, I can't seem to pull myself back together. I don't know where I went... or who I am right now. I feel sick, I am scared and I fear what is going to happen to me if I continue on like this. I've struggled with depression since  I was 12, I would deal with it and sometimes it would be bad and other times it would disappear,  but now I've fallen deeper and deeper into it.

 I fear being alone, I hate it but I deal with it... I hate struggling to just start the day. One thing that does help is using this blog as an outlet, I know someone out there feels the same way as me. Others may think of blogging as silly or think of me as begging for attention, but really I feel brave because I   am able to say whats on my mind and not care about others judgement. 

Well here's to a new month. 

-HMM