Most women fear of becoming like their Mother, I've never lived with this fear as I actually would love to be more like my Mother. My fear instead is becoming a friend I had in my younger years. Recently I had a real "Oh SHIT!" moment while blow drying my hair. I realized I had done something that she would have done. That scared me more than the Bloody Mary episode of Supernatural...and that episode still haunts me.
Let's call her June. She was my best friend in Jr.High, we were like sisters. June was popular around the boys, because not only was pretty, she was also a flirt. The girl with 100 boyfriends and I was the friend who never had a boyfriend. When I was younger boys use to pick on me, I was called names...fat-ugly-bitch-gross. (The bitch title is one I still carry around to this day) June never called me names, but she also never stood up for me. Actually, I've never had someone stand up for me and I didn't get my first boyfriend till I was 20, funny how the world works.
June and I would go to the movies, boys would rush to be with her, and I got their friends who gave me one look over and then seemed like they needed a barf bag. As time went one, I still let her walk all over me, boss me around and tell how to live my life. The one person I needed to stand up to was her...like that would ever happen.
June met..let's name him "James", they become a serious couple over night. They did everything together and I was the third wheel. They would share a kiss at almost every red light, she would sit in his lap at parties, call each other nicknames and I would always be along for the ride. James and I became friends and yet he would always throw me to his buddies; of course they all ran away like cooties were a real thing and I was infected with them. I hated being single, I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I wanted a guy who would take me out, kiss me on the cheek, treat me like a princess and be my best friend. But I watched June get everything and of course I was bursting with jealousy.
I knew June deep down only liked me as a friend because she knew guys thought I was ugly and that left her with all of the attention. She cried once, because one of James friends invited his girlfriend to a party. June was so jealous of her and we had to leave the party early. June cried in the car, on my shoulder, sobbing "I wasn't the prettiest girl there." I set there thinking that I would never fit into that category.
Time went on...I started to care more about what I looked like, I lost weight and dyed/styled my hair. Then it happen, at a Halloween party I went to with June and James. All of James buddies wanted to know who I was, was I single, telling him I was hot and I became the center of attention. June never treated me the same after that, our friendship started to fall to ruins. Then it faded, for more reasons than one. June and James ended, and I started hang out with James because we still remained friends after all the drama. James and June started going on and off with one anther and years passed as I made new friends.It turned out, James was actually in love with me and had been for long time. I of course did not feel that way about him...that scared me.
To think that I could be turning into her, as I see so many traits of June in some of the things I say and do in my relationship. Am I June? I don't share the same insecurities she felt about herself, but instead I'm scared that I am going to relate every relationship to James and June. How James stayed with her and couldn't stand being without her, but the whole time he had feelings for me. I fear that I will become like June...out of the insanity of thinking I am like her.
My problem is I am insecure about relationships, from my past of being mistreated by guys and now that the game has changed and boy's no longer bully me but instead they treat me nice for one thing and we all know what that ONE thing is.
-HMM
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